Lincoln’s Hunger Pains
There was a rumor that Abraham Lincoln kept important letters inside his top hat, but his closest friends knew the real reason Lincoln wore a tall top hat. Lincoln had a high metabolism, and was always hungry. He would hide food in his hat so he could have a quick snack whenever he needed to eat. He would wait for an opportunity when nobody was around to turn around and sort of crouch down, pull food out, and take a quick bite.
One day, Lincoln had traveled to Vermont to see his old friend, Montgomery. They knew each other since they were teenagers. A rivalry between the two had started over Bridget, a young lady who was the pastors daughter.
The pastor was from Ireland. He had come to America as a young man to mine gold in Georgia. They called him ol’ goldie charms because he had struck it rich and donated much of his fortune to the needy.
Goldie charms was feeling energetic one Sunday morning because he found out his wife was pregnant. He lost track of time and the sermon kept going and going.
At some point Abraham started to get impatient. It had been a few hours since he had his last hat snack, so he started to step outside to get a quick crouched down bite to eat. His mouth filled with saliva as he thought about getting a moment alone where he could reach into his hat and devour the pieces of chicken he had packed that morning. The anticipation was almost too much. As he was getting up and scooching past people seated next to him, he accidentally touched Bridget on the shoulder.
She thought he was signaling her to meet him outside, so she waited a few moments and went out to meet him. She took a look around after stepping out, walked along the front of the church, and looked around the corner. As she leaned around the corner of the church, she met face to face with Lincoln.
Lincoln and Monty were talking about the old days. Many years had passed since their rivalry and they were struggling to remember what happened that day. They discussed how they were both vying for the affections of Bridget, the pastors daughter, and how the pastor was from Ireland and had come to America as a teenager to mine gold in Georgia, and they called him ol’ goldie charms because he had struck it rich and donated much of his fortune to the needy.
Then Montgomery said, “I sure hate to tell such a long story on a hot and humid day here in Vermont, but seeing as it’s been so long since we’ve seen each other… The sermon seemed like it kept going and going. At some point, you stepped outside and a few moments later Bridget followed you out. She returned shortly after leaving the church, but you never returned. In fact, that morning was the last I seen of you till today. Now, I had heard about you becoming president and about your courageous efforts to free the slaves, but I thought it was a bit odd, a bit out of character from what I heard of you from Bridget.”
Lincoln gulped. His mind wandered for a second and he thought about his hat as he had not eaten in a while. Then he said, “Why is that? What did she say?”
Monty replied, “Well, I seem to remember that Bridget was solemn and a little skiddish when she return from outside the church. Later that day, she said you were a chicken.”
Lincoln said, “Oh, no, she couldn’t have said that. See, I went outside for a moment to eat because the sermon seemed like it kept going and going. I don’t remember if I ever told you, but I have a high metabolism. What I found to help is carrying food on me at all times, and I keep food in my hat. When I get hungry, I wait for an opportunity when nobody is around. I turn around and sort of crouch down, pull the food out, and take a quick bite. So, I get up to leave and everyone’s still seated. While scooching past the people that were sitting next to me on my way outside to get something to eat, I had accidentally tapped Bridget on the shoulder. I didn’t realize it at the time, but she must have thought that I was signaling her to meet me outside. So, I was outside the church, tearing into a piece of chicken. I was going at it like a wild starved coyote who just stumbled upon a chicken farm when Bridget leaned around the corner of the church. Her eyes opened wide with fear, and she just stared at the site for a moment and then whispered… chicken. I left church early that day, and ended up running into some men who were traveling to Vermont. It wasn’t hard to talk me into going with them. Their wagon was plum full of food.”